In the immortal words of my friend Cosmicgirlie “someone hand me the keys to the liqour store”
My daughter uttered the words I never wanted to hear:
I like boys. I like kissing boys.
“Kill me. Kill me dead”
That’s what I asked The Hot Geek to do when she said it.
He just laughed at me.
Thinks it’s hilarious.
As a loving, responsible mother I felt it only right to delve a little further into the playground antics of my 4 year old.
Turns out the boy encouraging such behaviour is Ben.
Only Ben isn’t one of the schools good kids, oh no. Ben is the naughty one in her class. Apparently he’s always in trouble for smacking the other kids. Really hard.
I’ll be honest, she tried to carry on regaling me with stories about how hard Ben hits the other kids at school but I wasn’t really listening. I was having a conversation with Miss Thing. She’s the one who lives in my head and tries to keep me grounded with her own special brand of straight talking:
Look at you, mother of the fucking year. Good for you. No I mean it. Really, you must be so proud. Not only is your 4 year old kissing boys, but she picked a real peach too. The little shit’s probably got an ASBO already.
I started listening again at the point where Keira was running around demonstrating how she tames Ben’s wild antics which is to say that she closes her eyes, purses her lips and basically makes smooching noises at him.
All I could do was put my head in my hands and pray for a miracle that my baby comes back to me.
Or that Ben gets expelled.